What a real president would do sign now

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the
Iraqi regime has been completed. Since Congress does not
want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in
Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a
complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This
action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin
the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq
conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain,
Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries
listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the
first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists
later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign
aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and
indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone
will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The
American people are no longer going to pour money into third
world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat
on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an
epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with
Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving
the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with
us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your
friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy
country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am
ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance,
mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing
the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with
more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those
vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't
care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have
tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2.
Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other,
you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I
will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting
around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border
security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by
the way, the United State s is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -
starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway.

Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which
will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to
come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and
move there. They care. It is time for America to focus on
its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us
of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life
around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of
just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate
hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in
America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from
America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We
owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. You might want
to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.



If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading
it in English, thank the armed forces.

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