The American Artist Protection Act sign now

The American Artist Protection Act An Act to Protect American Artists From Postmodern Art Theorists

Dear President Bush,

As you know, I have for several years now been lobbying the Congress of the United States of America to support passage of The American Artist Protection Act lobbying would probably be too polite an expression of my actions considering how much money I have invested in greasing the palms of certain of our mutual friends at home in the state of Mississippi and on the Hill in securing the future of this legislation, and taking into further account my deranged hostility and endless stream of angry correspondence to my congressional representatives over the dramatic failure of past attempts at passage, supposedly due to the unfortunate events of 9/11 and the emerging concerns over rallying continued support for The Patriot Act (as I have expressed before, I do understand the need to snuff out international terrorists and fully support that effort, although I was sorely disappointed that this concern had to rise to a preeminent level of national security without first addressing the philosophical and aesthetic underpinnings of acts of international terrorism: the vile and inflammatory words of art criticism penned by postmodern art theorists).

Anyway, at this point in the post 9/11 national matrix, it is all water under the bridge. Moving forward, this important piece of legislation (since I personally wrote the proposed legislation I consider it as a treasured child!) will finally offer American artists a certain and sustained degree of protection from the insidious thoughts, actions and writings of evil postmodern art theorists.

As you certainly recognize, postmodern art theorists, one of the most despicable breed of shallow cultural elitists that have ever existed, conspired throughout the later half of the 20th Century up to the present day to decimate the value of art in the minds and eyes of most American. Worse than that, perhaps their greatest sin is the fact that they also tried to supplant the artist in America with the meaningless void of their incomprehensibly vain and self-serving words.

It is no exaggeration to call these miscreant postmodern art theorists out for what they really are: Domestic Cultural Terrorists.

Desperate times call for desperate actions. Brave Americans have never wilted from a wicked enemy; and we must not lose our resolve now. The American Artist Protection Act will empower the creative energy of citizen artist courts across the country. Artists will finally have the legal authority to issue and effect citizen artist arrest warrants for postmodern art theorists, convene trials of these defendants and mete out severe punishment to them, including the death penalty.

I think the American people will rally behind this legislation once the full force of the degeneracy of postmodern art theory is revealed as the cultural virus that it is, and indeed, was designed to be.

I write to you now to formally request that you consider co-sponsoring the introduction of The American Artist Protection Act to Congress at the earliest opportunity.

The American people are desperate for relief from the evils of postmodern art theories; American artists have had enough as well.

Just imagine the American nation freed from the slavery of postmodern art theories I am actually weeping as I write this as I am so choked with emotion over the prospect of these conniving postmodern art theory terrorists actually being held accountable for their crimesplease forgive the tear stains on my quality bond personalized letterhead paper.

I know that you do not want to be accused of putting people out of work in this still perilous economy. I have had several quasi-compassionate artists ask me what is proposed to happen with all these postmodern art theorists if their jobs are suddenly made illegal of course, it is not as if most Americans would ever care because many of these people currently hide-out in academia and live on the public dole at over-priced universities.

Anyway, I do not think their job security is an issue. Being the pseudo-academic spinsters of arcane and meaningless words and phrases that they are, no doubt they will comfortably transition to jobs in the Office of Management and Budget where they will be embraced by thousands of other useless federal workers who toil away in basement cubicles writing indecipherable passages in massive bureaucratic volumes of bullshit that will never be read by anyone other than their sexually frustrated husbands, wives and companions who are forced to read and assent to their convoluted opinions before being allowed to go to sleep at night.

Please stay strong in your collective resolve to address this important cultural issue. But more importantly, please sustain the courage to support this legislation.

Art and America need your support now more than ever.

Sincerely,

James W. Bailey

The American Artist Protection Act

An Act to Protect American Artists Against Postmodern Art Theorists.

Sec. 1. Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

That if any postmodern art theorists shall unlawfully combine or conspire together, with intent to oppose any art or acts of art of any American artist, which are or shall be directed by proper authority (the sole conscience of the artist), or to impede the artistic self-confidence of an artist, or to intimidate or prevent any artist from holding a place of appreciation and respect within the artist community of the United States, or from undertaking, performing or executing his artistic duty; and if any postmodern art theorists or persons, with intent as aforesaid, shall counsel, advise or attempt to procure any insurrection, riot, unlawful assembly, or combination, whether such conspiracy, threatening, counsel, advice, or attempt shall have the proposed effect or not of holding an American artist and his work in disrepute, he or they shall be deemed guilty of a felony, and on conviction, before any duly empanelled artist court of the United States having jurisdiction thereof, shall be punished by a fine not exceeding the balance of the postmodern art theorists net estate, and by imprisonment during a term not less than 10 years nor exceeding life, yet in extreme cases as determined by the artist court, death.

Sec. 2. And be it further enacted,

That if a postmodern art theorist shall write, print, utter, or publish, or shall cause or procure to be written, printed, uttered or published, or shall knowingly and willingly assist or aid in writing, printing, uttering or publishing any false, scandalous and malicious writing or writings against any American artist or artists, with intent to defame the said artist or artists, or to bring them, into contempt or disrepute; or to excite against them the hatred of the good people of the United States, or to excite any unlawful combinations therein, for opposing or resisting any of the art created by the artist or artists, or to resist, oppose, or defeat any good reviews of an artists work, or to aid, encourage or abet any hostile designs of any foreign postmodern art theorists against an American artist, then such a postmodern art theorist, being thereof convicted before any artist court of the United States having jurisdiction thereof, and by imprisonment during a term not less than 10 years nor exceeding life, yet in extreme cases as determined by the artist court, death.

Sec. 3. And be it further enacted,

That if any postmodern art theorist shall be prosecuted under this act, for the writing or publishing any libel aforesaid, it shall be unlawful for the defendant, upon the trial of the cause, to give in evidence in his defense, the truth of the matter contained in the publication charged as a libel. The postmodern art theorist shall be compelled to argue his defense in plain spoken English. And the artist court jury, who shall try the cause, shall have a right to determine the law and the fact, under the direction of the artist court, as in other cases.

Respectfully submitted to the Congress of the United States of America,

James W. Bailey

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