RODD-NJC: Remove Our Dead Deer- New Jersey Chapter sign now

Deer Governor Corzine,

Many of us have fond memories of the loveable four-legged mammal known humbly as the deer, whose name has no plural form (anyone who says deers or writes deer so-and-so on a letter or official petition is an idiot. Except for us when we used that example above, because it is funny and completely relevant to the situation at hand and we wanted to make a point/joke. And also except for small children and people who seriously dont know any better or make an earnest mistake). We have grown up with the classic Bambi, Dewey the first successfully cloned White-Tailed deer, the Beatty Buck, and Rudolph and the rest of Santas reindeer (for Christians). Some of us even like to hunt deer, eat their meat, or cut off their heads and hang them on our walls as trophies in our living rooms. Others enjoy their inexplicable cuteness. Nearly everyone has seen, petted, and fed these remarkable creatures at countless zoos and petting farms worldwide (or for us New Jerseyians, on our front lawns and in our gardens; see below). The deer are dear to us.

In recent years, the deer as a species have received a negative image due to their constant foraging, raping, and pillaging of our yards, landscaping, and gardens, as well as for their scaring of our children (sometimes). Also for their just-being-there-ness, especially when they just stand there in front of our cars and do that deer in the headlights thing. Its also annoying when they end up in our cars, often in gory clashes of metal and venison, causing collective millions in property damage, insurance costs, and several deaths and injuries, ranging from moderate to severe, not to mention the loss of a precious deer's life. It must be noted however that these criminal deer are few and do not represent the group as a whole. In fact they are often found to be repulsive by their fellow deer, which are quite peaceful beings who effectively remain hidden from human society in the ever-disappearing New Jersey woods, and the criminal deer are viewed as social delinquents by their peers and guidance-counselors. This problem would almost immediately and effectively be resolved (
Nevertheless, in all seriousness we have a grave situation on our hands Mr. Governor. We are tired of driving on our roads (especially Route 18), minding our own business, perhaps on our way to work or school, maybe to the gym or local Starbucks, or even to go [to your favorite place/thing to do in New Jersey], when we are forced to gaze upon countless deer corpses gathered alongside the road. Not only is this a serious health hazard, but it is a hazard to our eyes, our appetites, the innocence of our children, and most importantly, to the exceptional image and integrity of our great state of New Jersey, which we would never even think of ruining, because it is so high and esteemed and incorruptible.

A disturbing new development has also developed, as the bodies of many of these fine, fallen members and upstanding citizens of the New Jersey deer community are mutilated and defaced, the most recent trend being with spray paint in graffiti form. If defacing public property is illegal, especially when done with graffiti, then it is certainly a much greater crime to deface the property of God, which no human being in the world will ever own: nature itself.

We demand that our glorious states:
(a) Freeways,
(b) Highways,
(c) Bypasses,
(d) Overpasses,
(e) Underpasses,
(f) Bridges,
(g) Tunnels,
(h) Streets,
(i) Roads,
(j) Cul-de-sacs,
(k) Driveways,
(l) Parking lots,
(m) Parking garages,
(n) Sidewalks,
(o) Paths,
(p) Walkways,
(q) Dirt roads,
(r) Those things that look like overpasses but are random bridges for people to walk on that are constructed in the middle of nowhere, usually near the woods, by some geniuses at the DOT who think people walk long distances on the highways (Who knows? Deer could get up there, which actually would solve this problem if the deer figured out theyd be safer by using them. Perhaps some deer education/awareness classes are in order, but thats another issue),
(s) Our infamous jug-handles,
(t) And any other asphalt-covered areas
Are to remain deer corpse-free at all times, as mandated by a proposed state law mandating this. It could be called Bambis law. That would be cute.

While these demands may seem overly ambitious, at least start with Route 18, for that stretch of pure, satisfying, unadulterated New Jersey driving experience is constantly littered with fresh deer meat on a daily basis, and was also the driving impetus, the spark, the apple falling on our heads, that started the idea for this petition.

Current state efforts are dismal, at best, and are not enough. However these corpses magically disappear, they are not being disposed of effectively and in a timely manner. There is clearly a lack of funding, manpower, and initiative. If they were human corpses, we believe the matter would be handled in a much more serious way.
Our proposals are highly plausible and easily within reach. They are much more realistic than the language of this letter:
- State patrols can easily be set up to locate and quickly and quietly dispose of the fallen deer bodies, and/or
- A state backed volunteer Deer Scout, so to speak, can easily be established.
- A toll-free hotline would also improve the effectiveness of these groups
While these are just three possible suggestions, there could be other alternatives out there. Any combination of increased funding, manpower, equipment, initiative, and awareness would do the trick. Our trusted bureaucrats and state officials can work out the nitty-gritty.

To summarize, our states roadways are plagued with a serious problem: dead deer on shoulders, sides of roads, etc., especially painted deer. The current situation is a disgrace, not only to us, but to our visitors, and also to nature and God. It is one thing to find corpses, animal or human, along the roadsides of other places in the world that shall not be named, but in the United States of America, especially in the great state of New Jersey, where we have standards, such occurrences are highly deplorable. We will not tolerate the painting of deer corpses nor the ineptitude which causes them to be left unceremoniously on roadsides statewide. We, as your constituency, are having a hard time siding with the current administrations policy of stay the course, and are not satisfied with the current treatment of our deer on the front lanes.

Measures need to be taken to effectively resolve this problem in a highly efficient and timely manner by:
(a) taking preemptive measures, such as the construction of wire-net fencing and the strategic placement of ultrasonic annoying-eardrum-shattering-to-the-deer-noise-makers (for their own good and safety; hey, a deaf deer is better than a dead deer!), and other such measures limited to, but not including planned deer-hunting/extermination or other such population limiting measures that are not already in place, as well as
(b) taking measures to effectively dispose of deer and/or painted deer carcasses lining our states highways, as well as
(c) anything else we may have forgotten or overlooked

As jacked-up-insanely high-Trump-esque-New Jersey tax paying citizens, we trust you will make the right decisions. Good hunting! (metaphorically speaking)


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Margaret HahnBy:
AnimalsIn:
Petition target:
Jon Corzine, State Governor of New Jersey

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