Give Us The Attention We Crave sign now

We, the United Nerds of the World (UNW), would like people to start paying attention to online petitions, and acknowledge that we are a large group of people with no influence on anything whatsoever. From October of 1994 to the present, over 7.5 trillion petitions have been created online. Zero of them have ever done any good. This is a problem that must be rectified.

Nobody important is reading this. In fact, nobody important will EVER read this. I could write whatever the hell I feel like, because nobody gives a rat's ass about us or our opinions. I'll just say the first thing that comes to mind. "My Dixie wrecked." Get it? Shout it out loud - you'll catch on. What was I talking about again? Ah shit, I lost my train of thought. I could really go for some Funyons right now. I love saying that. FUUUUNYOOOOOOOOOOOOOONS! They combined the words "fun" and "onions" into a clever little pun. That's so simple, that it's brilliant.

Anybody ever read that magazine Highlights for Children? I used to read it when I was a kid. They had these stories where some of the words were replaced with pictures, so it'd be like "One day, [picture of an eyeball] went to the store and shot a [picture of a dog]." Those were really cool, until you started going to school and didn't have those little pictures in your school books. Then you actually had to read and shit. They were kinda like that old gameshow Classic Concentration, where you had to reveal pieces of the picture, and then figure out what it meant. Why was it called "Classic" Concentration, anyway? They never had a "Neo Concentration." Maybe they were trying to capitalize on the ol' skool craze.

So, I'm sitting here drinking a Corona and pondering why it's okay to drink Mexican beer, but not okay to drink Mexican water. Isn't Mexican beer made with Mexican water? And isn't Mexican water really just hand-me-down water from the Mississippi? Does that mean we shouldn't drink river water here in the States? I mean, I know you're not supposed to drink sea water - believe me, I learned that one the hard way. I can still taste that shark poo...

I got bit by a shark at the beach one time. Well, I actually stepped on a decaying shark jaw, but that doesn't sound as cool. It sounds alot better when you go "Hey, baby. Wanna see my shark bite scars?" And then she's like "Wanna see my crabs?" And I'm all "No way!" And Pauly Shore was all like "What happened to my career, buh-dee?" Bio Dome is what happened, you idiot. Never trust a Baldwin. You hear me, people? NEVER. TRUST. A. BALDWIN.

So that's pretty much why I think I'd make a good class president. Vote for me or the kitty gets it.

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Miranda StrongBy:
International PolicyIn:
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Corporate Fat Cats

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