Give Phil a Mercedes sign now

We believe that Philip L. Welch is a victim of horrible, unjust economic circumstances, including, but not limited to the following: that he is in no way related to the Rockefeller Family, the owners of the Welch's Juice Company, or Bill Gates; that he has less than $1000 in his bank account and no money in his wallet; and that he has no car.

We believe that while the first circumstance cannot be rectified and the second circumstance is up to Mr. Welch to fix, the third circumstance is intolerable, because it subjects Mr. Welch to the inconvenience of having to use public transportation to carry his dutifully purchased Dr. Pepper products back and forth from the grocery store. Multiple times, this has resulted in fatigue for Mr. Welch and damage to the products in question during transport.

We believe that due to collusion between international corporations and major world governments, there is now a massive conspiracy to taunt Mr. Welch over his car-less status, and the only just compensation for this is for Mr. Welch to not only own a car, but to own a cool enough car that he can transport himself and his belongings in suitable comfort and luxury to adequately compensate for the injustice of his car-less lifestyle.

Therefore, we propose the following:

1. That Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC provide to Mr. Welch a Mercedes-Benz SL500 roadster, configured to Mr. Welch's preferences, regardless of cost.
2. That, given Mr. Welch's poor economic circumstances, Mercedes-Benz provide Mr. Welch with a maintenance and refueling budget sufficient to keep the automobile in prime condition throughout its working life.

We believe that in addition to rectifying the injustice done against Mr. Welch, this will have the following benefits for society:

1. Mr. Welch's sex appeal will be boosted significantly, thus allowing Mr. Welch to more widely distribute his superior genetic material, fathering many similarly brilliant children who will foster a second Renaissance.
2. The resultant publicity from such an unprecedented gift will gain Mercedes-Benz significant mindshare, as they will be portrayed as generous benefactors. As a result, many prospective consumers will be saved from the fate of driving a car that in no way equals a Mercedes-Benz in quality.
3. Mr. Welch will be able to get around more to spread his brilliant ideas about the reform of modern society, quite possibly preventing the collapse of civilization as we know it.

Obviously, there is no question as to what must be done. We feel that the small loss to a rich corporation such as Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC will be more than outweighed by the gain to society resulting from this course of action.

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Goal reached !
50 / 50

Latest Signatures

  • 27 December 201550. Simon C
    I support this petition
  • 26 December 201549. Omar S
    LOL
  • 26 November 201548. Wesley B
    Good luck!
  • 13 November 201547. Stephen Akanutzoids
    More people need to think like you! Good Luck Man.
  • 09 October 201546. Philip Lw
    I support this petition
  • 14 July 201545. Adam B
    I support this petition
  • 22 June 201544. Thecockneypanarchist Levine
    yeah - i deserve one as well
  • 18 May 201543. Pablo Russell
    yeah, i want one too!
  • 19 March 201542. Zachary R
    I support this petition
  • 17 February 201541. Joe Davidson
    Duh, I forgot to mention that mine has to be an SL55! Modified by Brabus of course )=D
  • 28 December 201440. John D
    I'll sign the petition, but I wont give you a car!
  • 16 December 201439. Sebastian M
    I support this petition
  • 15 December 201438. Joe Jefferson
    I'm up. But only if I can get one too!
  • 23 November 201437. Give M
    w00t
  • 11 November 201436. Brendan B
    I support this petition
  • 17 September 201435. Stephanie V
    Phil - You are truly insane. ;)
  • 22 July 201434. Schlugmo Levy
    you are a lame-ass Phil
  • 10 July 201433. Keith T
    I support this petition
  • 25 June 201432. Joe G
    I support this petition
  • 22 June 201431. Clinton Michaeld
    A is A
  • 26 May 201430. John Williamm
    u need a hobby
  • 23 May 201429. Olly Buck
    I support this petition
  • 22 May 201428. Pat Sawyer
    hmmm. Sounds like you would like to make a point about government providing freebies at our expense! LOL
  • 06 April 201427. B Geoffreyt
    I support this petition
  • 24 January 201426. Quincy C
    Phil's twisted genius is out-shone only by his charm and social grace.
  • 23 January 201425. John D
    With the way that you treat and abuse people in discussion board chat rooms, do you honestly expect people to sign your petition?
  • 25 December 201324. Josh Reeves
    BMW's are nicer... more sporty.

browse all the signatures

Information

Cassandra SweeneyBy:
Entertainment and MediaIn:
Petition target:
Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC

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