Carbon Freeze Nikki Webster sign now

Dear Mr. Howard,

We of The Rubber Chicken (www.n-chicken.net), and The Undersigned, being of sound body and mind, would like to express our deepest objections to Nikki Webster's recent downward spiral into sleaze and deprivation, ipso facto her appearance in the monthly gentlemen's publication "FHM".

Nikki was a shining beacon of hope for all white, middle-class Australians the instant she graced our TeleVision screens during the opening and closing ceremonies of the Sydney Olympic Games in the Year of Our Lord 2000. With the disappointing cancellation of The Rapture, Nikki was the next best thing. In place of a bearded messiah, we had a 13-year-old angel with a heart of gold and an equally shiny, metal-laden voicebox that instilled the soul with the Aussie larrikinism previously embodied in historical icons such as Captain James Cook, founder of Australia, Henry Parkes, the inventor of democracy, and Richard Wilkins. Such was the patriotism in her voice that many Australians broke down and cried pure, happy tears of Vegemite. She truly was somebody we could call "That Girl From The Sydney Olympic Games".

With a highly explicit photoshoot in the aforementioned smut-peddlers' picture book, the Australian spirit has lost its heart, voicebox and middle-left toe. Our collective character is now sorely lacking its perfect personification. With the passage of time and ravages of age, we are rapidly losing our living symbol. Soon we may find ourselves completely lacking in people we can call "That Girl From The Sydney Olympic Games".

We hereby propose - nay, demand - the immediate and mandatory cryonic freezing of Ms. Webster. It is only a matter of time before Playboy, Hustler and Dolly target The Australian Angel; the voice of a generation. We call on you, Mr. Howard, to personally intervene. We must preserve Nikki, preferably in a transparent freezer for public display atop of Ayer's Rock, until such a time where ageing is obsolete, and her talents are once again required.

Together, Mr. Howard, we can keep the national spirit young and free. For is it not said: "let us keep the national spirit young and free"?

Love and Strawberry Kisses,

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Rae GambleBy:
AnimalsIn:
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The Hon. John Winston Howard & The Australian Government

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