Advance Captain Crunch to Admiral sign now

Every military officer, at one time or another, dreams of reaching the top. The epitome of military leadership. Years are spent toiling away at the gym, educational institutes, and in field training. The last being the most important. Whether it be the drive to earn respect, to achieve the nearly unattainable, or just to pull in the gracious six figure income, whatever the motive, it takes dedication and results to be one of the elite. With nearly fifty years of service, all of them honorable and with an extremely high, well proven, rate of success, there is one sailor that is commonly overlooked for advancement.
Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch deserves to be an Admiral.
Capn Crunch, as he is more commonly known, is the boisterous cartoon character seen in television commercials and on the box of the cereal that bears his name. Anyone who has lived in America and visited a grocery store in the last 48 years knows who he is, the grey mustached, old sailor with the gold shoulder boards, proudly displaying his eyebrows on his hat, for all to see. Capn Crunch has served Quaker Oats, quite successfully, ever since his inception in 1962 by animator Jay Ward. His years of service have helped Quaker survive through economic hard falls. Some of his colleagues have born the brunt of failure. We no longer see Quake, Quisp, or Simon the Quangaroo." The Captain has remained loyal through it all, yet he goes unnoticed when the time comes for advancement.
According to his website, the Captains first appearance was in September of 1963 in a television commercial that promoted the cereal. This campaign was so successful that during the trial period in six US cities, grocers couldn't keep the cereal on the shelves. In fact, the company couldn't manufacture the stuff fast enough they had to build a new plant before it was introduced nation-wide, in 1964 (Markstein). Horatio was off to a roaring start. Soon after, Quaker Oats released an addition to the flagship cereal. Crunch Berries were introduced in 1967, close on the heels of their predecessor. Two years later the Captains fleet expanded to three ships of war when Peanut Butter Crunch made its way onto the market. Starting in 2002 Horatio came into command of Capn Crunchs: Choco Donuts, Swirled Berries, Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch, and Choco Crunch, 2002, 2005, 2006, and 2007, respectively as he took on more and more responsibilities than a Captain might usually have.
Now with a fleet of seven behind him, it is safe to say that the Captain has outgrown his rank. As a former sailor, I know that the highest command a Captain can reach is that of a single ship. Captain of a Ticonderoga class Aegis Guided Missile Cruiser is the highest post that a Navy O-6 can hold. This is not traditionally a flagship. That title is bestowed upon the Aircraft Carrier or Mobile Defense Command Ship. These are Captained by Admirals anywhere from an O-7 to an O-10 (in time of war). Horatio has successfully fulfilled this role as the acting Skipper (in times of war with POST and Kelloggs) of Quaker Oats flagship cereal and a fleet of others. The US Navys Fifth Fleet consists of eight ships and is under the command of an Admiral. This seems unfair to Capn Crunch to fill this role with only the pay and respect of an O-6.
One might argue that Horatio had a leg up. From his inception he has been Captain. He didnt have to spend some time in the lower ranks, working his way up to his current title. This is a valid point however, he has held this position for 48 years. It takes 21 to 23 years to be considered for Admiral. The Crunch-man could have made Admiral TWICE by now. Time in rank is therefore, not an issue.
Some might say that changing the image of Horatio after all these years would be in bad taste. Alliteration sells, the brand is recognized, and some might get confused, I hear you, but over the years Ive grown, accomplished, and achieved. Maybe its time that Wilfred Brimley, or whoever is in charge over there at Quaker stood up for the little guy with hat eyebrows, put in a good word, or better yet, put in the papers for advancement. Im ready to see the man get what hes earned. Horatio is ready. The world is ready. We welcome you, Admiral Crunch.

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Clare HaneyBy:
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